


Coming to Terms

by bitetoall136



Category: the GazettE
Genre: F/M, M/M, and now i'm posting it on no sleep, but there's still some reikai bc reikai is adorable, i wrote it on no sleep, idek what this is, it's almost more of a friendship fic than a relationship one, it's kinda fluffy, kinda a walk through reita's life, kinda angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-22
Updated: 2018-05-22
Packaged: 2019-05-10 05:06:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14730515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bitetoall136/pseuds/bitetoall136
Summary: Living his truth was scary. And no matter how brave of a face Reita put on every day, it wasn't something he was ready to face yet.ORThe slow incline to Reita finally coming to terms with his sexuality.





	Coming to Terms

At the ripe age of ten, Reita met his best friend. The Takashima family moved into the house across from his family home and, curious as any other boy his age was, he couldn't contain himself. The moment he was able to sneak out the front door past his strict parents, he booked it across the street and poked his head over the white picket fence of his new neighbors and observed. 

There, on top of a bed of dewy spring grass sat a young boy, who couldn't be much older than Reita himself, piecing together some kind of model. Reita couldn't tell from the distance exactly what the model was, but he was guessing a robot of some sorts. He stood there, watching the boy build for what seemed like hours and, eventually, seemingly out of nowhere, the boy lifted his head, corrected his crooked glasses, and then blinked repeatedly before tying his long hair back with a rubber band he had safekept around his wrist.

"Why're you watching me?" He asked. And, at the time, Reita had a hundred different answers. But his mother, strict as she was, raised him to always answer with whatever comes to mind first because, more times than not, your first thoughts were those deemed most truthful.

"Because you're pretty."

"Pretty? I'm a boy, boys can't be pretty."

"I know, that's why I'm looking. If you're a boy, how're you so pretty?"

All Reita received in response at first was a long, empty stare before the boy in front of him shrugged and got back to work on his model. Eventually, after some odd minutes of continuing to watch and trying to wrap his mind around the thought of a boy with long hair and pouty lips that put the models in his sister's teen magazine subscription to shame, the boy looked back up at him.

"The name's Uruha. Wanna help me build this thing or what?"

And just like that, all thoughts of Uruha's unusual beauty vanquished Reita's mind. He forgot all about the confusion he was facing, and instead his face lit up with a boyish grin. 

"Sure, I'll help!"

He ran through the ajar gate and into the Takashima's front lawn, getting right to work helping Uruha build his model.

***

Throughout the years, Reita continued to build models with Uruha. By the time they finished putting together their third one together, they'd labeled themselves as best friends. Best friends who went through school together, who always had each other’s backs. Who joined the soccer team together and brought their team to a junior national tournament win in secondary school.

Essentially, Reita and Uruha grew up together – they were brothers. And in being brothers, Reita felt comfortable around Uruha, felt he wouldn't be judged no matter the situation. 

So, one night on Reita's 14th birthday, as they were sitting in the practice field down town, sharing a bottle of red wine slipped out of Uruha's inattentive parent's cellar, Reita couldn't hold back anymore. With wine loosened lips, he plopped back in the grass and sighed, keeping the stars in the sky as his focal point.

"Uru? You know Mika from English class?"

"Uh huh."

"Well," Reita paused, licking his lips before rolling his head to the left and watching as Uruha's fingers fiddled with random grass blades. "She asked me out today. Like, on a date. A _real_ date."

Uruha's fiddling came to an end and he eyed Reita skeptically. "Okay, and? You told her yes, didn't you? Mika's _gorgeous_ man, you'd be a fool to tell her no."

Reita gulped heavily. He figured that’d be Uruha's response. "Of course I told her yes, it's just...I kind of didn't want to? I mean, Mika's great and all, she really is pretty, but-”

"But what?"

"I...I don't want to date her. She just isn't my...type, I guess."

"Then what exactly _is_ your type?"

It was then, right at that moment, that Reita knew he didn't need to tell Uruha anything else. Uruha knew, possibly before he even did, and that thought was beyond terrifying to Reita because he had tried his hardest these past two years to keep these feelings he still couldn't even quite understand to himself. 

Finding Uruha to be pretty when he was just a young boy should’ve been the trigger, but it wasn't until a few months after he turned twelve and puberty really kicked in that Reita began to realize he was different.

Sure, he still found the models in his sister's magazine to be pretty, but what really caught his attention were the male actors in the dramas his sister watched on tv every weekend. They were handsome, suave. They made Reita's mouth feel dry and his heart swell with heat and they became the stars of the dreams he'd have during the night that caused him to wake up hot, breathless, and in need of a shower.

"I-" Reita took a deep breath and, before he could continue, he felt Uruha squeeze his shoulder.

"Reita, don't. Just...don't. Go on that date with Mika, please. It'll...it'll just make things easier for you, understand?"

Reita did understand. He understood more than he'd like to and, as much as he hated to admit it, Uruha was right. Ignoring how he felt, forcing himself to go out in this date with Mika and to have a good time. It's what was normal, what was acceptable. And he knew he had to do it, because acknowledging how he really felt would make him outcast, a ‘weirdo’. He'd be shunned and looked down upon and constantly looking over his shoulder for threats the remainder of his life if he gave into his actual desires.

Living his truth was scary. And no matter how brave of a face Reita put on every day, it wasn't something he was ready to face yet. He was too weak, too vulnerable. He couldn't bear the thought of being forced to walk this world alone due to some random phase his body was going through.

Because that's what this was - a phase. Eventually, those male leads on television would lose their shine, Uruha wouldn’t look pretty for a guy, and Reita would be stealing his sister's teen magazines filled with beautiful women to keep hidden under his bed permanently.

He'd be normal again.

"You're right," he breathed out, turning his attention away from Uruha. "Mika's hot, what the hell was I thinking possibly saying no to her?"

Reita didn't need to be looking at Uruha to know his friend was feeling sorry for him. He knew Uruha was, but he also knew Uruha was only trying to be a good friend, he was trying to protect him.

Reita was grateful to have Uruha to look after him, but at the moment, he was even more grateful for the half empty bottle of wine in his hands.

This was one birthday he wouldn't mind forgetting.

***

Reita went on the date with Mika and had his first kiss. It was nothing special, there were no fireworks to speak of and the taste of Mika's bubblegum flavored lip gloss lingering on his lips afterwards bothered him to no end. No matter how many times he wiped his lips or sipped his cola, the taste remained, as did the heavy, empty feeling in his chest.

But that didn't stop him from saying no to another date with her. In fact, they went on many more dates, shared many more kisses. Mika was Reita's first make out session, and by the time they both turned 16 and had been exclusively dating a year and a half, she was many more firsts for Reita.

Mika was caring, loving, and she'd only gotten better looking the older she became. Reita was lucky to call her his girlfriend, he really was. Yet, the last 18 months have possibly been the most numbing days of his life.

Reita was there on their dates, he was there when Mika drug him in front of her friends and bragged about whatever materialistic object Reita had bought her that week. Because, truth be told? As soon as he could, Reita found himself a part time job at a music store. Not only did work and unpredictable hours provide a decent excuse for breaking so many dates with Mika, but he could also now afford to buy her something nice every now and again to help alleviate the guilt that was now a forever constant in his life.

Reita was there, but he wasn't really _there_. In having Mika as his girlfriend, he learned how to physically be there in the present all while mentally checking out. He knew it was cruel, he knew if she knew just unhappy he was being with her that Mika would end it with him in a heartbeat. Which was why Reita went from being a pro at soccer to being even more of a professional at faking his happiness.

It was a tough trade to make, but society convinced him it was how it had to be.

***

By age 18, Reita and Mika had been broken up for half a year. Reita had never felt more free.

She blamed Reita for their break up, stating he was too disconnected, not emotionally involved, and Reita couldn't argue her points. After Mika, Reita didn't bother trying to date anyone else. Instead, he threw himself into his school work, not only because he needed to drastically improve his scores so he could graduate, but because he needed to keep his mind busy. A busy mind meant he didn't have time to think about how cute that new transfer student in his gym class was. A busy mind meant he didn't think about how he wanted to push the new transfer student into his bed and kiss him until his lips turned raw and red. A busy mind allowed him to ignore the fact that just today he caught a glimpse of the new transfer student in the shower after a sweaty game of kickball, and found himself getting heated and hard at the sight of the other guy's soft body and powerful arms.

Reita slammed his locker shut, sprinted out of the school, and only stopped once he was at home, safe and alone, where he could fall into bed, bury his face into his pillows, and cry. 

That night when he went downstairs for dinner, his parents asked him what was wrong. Reita couldn't take it anymore, all these years of hiding his reality brought him to his breaking point.

He took a deep breath, and with sweat of nerves seeping out every pore of his body, he told them. 

He found himself standing on Uruha's door step an hour later, school bag on his back, duffle stuffed to the brim in hand, body and mind sore and tired. 

When Uruha answered the door, he took in Reita's somber appearance, and Reita noted the lingering gazes on his forming bruises.

"You told them?" Uruha asked. Reita nodded, fighting down a turmoil of emotions and blinking away fresh tears. "Rei, what did I tell you about making things easier on yourself?"

Reita stumbled, collapsing forward into Uruha and wrapping his arms tight around him. He was shaking, he knew he was, but after a deep breath and feeling Uruha return the embrace, Reita let out a shaky chuckle. 

"I guess life was never meant to be easy for me."

***

Reita went on to live with Uruha and his family until he graduated from high school. He just barely managed to pass all his classes, but he did, and just a few months after their graduation ceremony, all the extra shifts he'd picked up at the music shop proved to pay off because he and Uruha had both saved up enough to move out of the Takashima's and get an apartment of their own together.

It wasn't anything special. It was cramped, had a weird odor that wafted through the air vents, and there was a minor bug problem. But, it was a place of their own. A place Reita wouldn't have to worry about any judgement and could be himself knowing Uruha would always support him.

The last few months hadn't been easy on Reita, but he was managing as best he could. And even though he'd tried his best to replicate the happy front he'd put on when he was with Mika, Uruha eventually took notice that, although life was looking up for Reita, there was still an irrevocable sadness that followed him around.

So when Uruha randomly burst into Reita's room at 2 in the morning one night, Reita was confused. But he was even more confused when Uruha tossed an envelope into his lap and smiled.

"What's this?" Reita asked as he sat up in bed, closing his laptop and praying Uruha didn't see any of the images he was just looking at. Not that Uruha would’ve been surprised by what he was looking at, but still.

"It's a bus ticket. To Tokyo. Pack your bags because you leave in three hours."

"What? Uruha, Tokyo? I- _What_?"

Uruha just shook his head and smiled. "Rei, I love you. You're like a brother to me and I'm tired of seeing you lock yourself away in your room every day because you're – because you're ashamed. And I get it, we live in a small town with judgey fuckers, but Tokyo? Bigger city, more accepting people, more guys like...you. So, go. Have a weekend where you can be yourself for once, you deserve it..."

***

Uruha was right. Within an hour of arriving in Tokyo, Reita found himself smiling his first real smile in what might've been months, maybe even years. Not because he felt an instant connection to the city, not because he felt free to be himself, because Reita was sure that was something that would never happen in his life time, but because, as he was walking up to a ramen stand to grab some lunch before checking into his hotel, a couple passed him.

They were holding hands, laughing, and appeared to be blissfully in love. But the best part? They were both guys. Two guys, out in public, holding hands and giving absolutely zero fucks about the frowned upon stares they were receiving. 

Seeing them filled Reita with a sense of hope, and soon his ramen was forgotten and he found himself approaching the couple, and shortly afterwards they were engaged in conversation. Reita learned how long they'd been together, how they met, and by the end of two hours’ time they were scribbling down an address for him and wishing him the best of luck.

Reita didn't hesitate to follow their directions, and after a nap in his hotel room and a quick freshen up, he found himself heading deep into town until his taxi pulled up to the address he'd given the driver.

When he took his first step into Leo Longue, Reita found himself feeling more in his own skin than ever before. He didn't feel out of place, he didn't feel like a the random blotch of color on a canvas featuring only black and white. No, he felt at home, at peace. Because for the first time in all his life, he was surrounded wall to wall by other guys just like him.

It was exhilarating, and after using his fake ID to order and down a few drinks, followed by a few failed and quite awkward flirting attempts with some of the guys that approached him, Reita could finally admit to himself for the first time in his nineteen years of life that he was attracted to men.

It wasn't just a phase, he wouldn’t grow out of it and one day fall in love and marry a woman and build a family with her.

At age 19, Reita could without a doubt admit to himself that he was gay, and he was okay with that.

He only wished he could convince the rest of the world to accept him as he'd accepted himself.

***

That weekend in Tokyo changed everything for Reita. He spent every night at Leo Longue, and by the end of his first night he'd flirted with a few guys quite confidentially and even got a few numbers. By the end of his third, and final, night he found himself in the back seat of some cute guy's car where they made out as if it were their last nights on earth, and then finished each other off with hand jobs.

It was almost strange to Reita how naturally finally accepting the nature of his sexuality came to him. He always figured repressing his true desires for all these years would cause him to develop a complex where he'd fight against his sexuality if ever confronted with a scenario where it'd come into play, but instead he openly embraced every guy who threw affection his way, and Reita loved it. Basked in it, really, so much so that when his four day weekend came to an end, he found himself not wanting to go home. 

He wanted to stay in Tokyo where he felt confident, where he learned to not hate who he was. But what he wanted and what needed to be done were two different things, so that Tuesday morning he found himself climbing the stairs to the bus leading back to his home town, a smile on his face and a pocket full of numbers of guys he'd never forget.

***

After a month of being back at home, Reita fell back into his usual routine of working excess hours at the music shop, only to come home, troll the web for a few, and then crash before having to repeat the schedule all over again the following day.

Before his trip to Tokyo, life seemed rigorous, he felt depleted and living each day the same as the next while pretending to be someone he wasn't was driving him to the edge. But, now, going into work was enjoyable again. Because now he knew if he ever became that far gone again, one four hour bus drive could solve everything. 

Reita was just beginning to unload a new box of CDs, contemplating whether or not he'd call one of the numbers he received in Tokyo for some friendly entertainment once he got home later tonight, when he heard the bell ding above the store's entrance.

He stood up straight, getting ready to bellow out the usual welcome, and that's when his eyes fell upon a fantasy come true. Bright mocha eyes, a shy but nervous smile, a slender body and messy brown hair that looked like he just rolled out of bed.

Reita had been attracted to guys in his hometown before, sure, hence his breakdown over cute transfer student his third year. But there was something different between what he felt with him and what he was feeling now.

Because, now? It was mutual. Reita liked what he was seeing, and apparently so did the dream in front of him. He couldn’t explain _how_ he knew there was an instant connection between the two of them, he just somehow _knew_.

It sent his heart racing.

Reita tucked his box cutter into his back pocket and dusted his hands off on his apron before clearing his throat and smiling. "H-hi...welcome. I- um...what can I do for you today?"

"Oh, I'm just here to browse," mystery guy said through a blush, "Nice shirt, by the way."

Reita looked down at his shirt, then looked back up, smile growing by the minute. "You like X?"

"Who _doesn’t_ like X?" A laugh followed his retort, causing his eyes to crinkle and his laugh lines to appear.

Reita knew he had to do it then. 

Time to put his Tokyo experience to use.

"I'd agree with you, but come on, we both know they're not _everybody’s_ taste," the brunet smiled and hummed in agreement before starting to browse, but as he stepped closer to Reita to skim the CD rack behind him, Reita nudged him with his elbow and dropped his tone so only he'd hear, "But you? You're _my_ taste, and I'd kind of like to take you out to coffee one day if you wouldn't mind?"

For the longest time after, Reita received only a bright blush as an answer, but, eventually, the man in front of him met his eyes and spoke softly, a shocked expression painting his face. "I drink tea, not coffee."

Reita grinned, enjoying the flustered state his ease was putting the other in. Reita swore to himself that if things worked out between the two of them, he’d never allow him to know just how panicked he truly was at this moment. "Then tea it is..." he trailed off, waiting for a name.

And when he got one, Reita felt like it was the name he'd been waiting to hear his entire life.

"Kai, my name is Kai." 

By age 20, Reita planned to have his first boyfriend.


End file.
